Why I Write

Each and every one of us carries our own truth.  We were born with certain personality traits and physical characteristics, and we were predisposed to our parents’ habits and relationships, yet as we continue to grow, it is our experiences that shape how we see the world. Society tells us to act a certain way and to relate to others in a certain fashion; it even tells us to have specific feelings toward certain issues. As a result, people tend to show others the person that they think they are supposed to be, which leaves an abundance of truth floating and stirring beneath the surface.  Sometimes the personas we carry suffocate our truths so much that they begin to tear at the seams of our being. This struggle between who we are and who we are told to be can lead children, teenagers, and adults to act in a variety of ways.

I always had a natural talent to write.  Writing became the trait that teachers, friends and family members identified me with; it made me proud and I loved to do it.  However, I never thought of writing as a career. My thoughtful and careful mind, as well as the pressures of society, told me that I had to pursue a much more “stable” and “honorable” career.  So I set my sights on other things, such as becoming a psychologist, a job that would allow me to help people in a very “elite” and “well of” situation.

Then, on September 12, 2006 (16 years old and just beginning Junior Year), I received a phone call that one of my closest friends, Marshall, had taken his life. This moment changed everything.  It changed the way that I saw the world, myself, my relationships, my dreams, etc. This unfortunate event took a very heavy toll on each and every one of my friends and changed the dynamics of our friendships.  We all dealt with the harsh reality of Marshall’s suicide in very different ways.  For me, this moment brought to life how fleeting and vulnerable life truly is. Six of the hardest months I have ever had to live followed Marshall’s death.  I had to deal with multiple effects and during this time it was literature that helped me make sense of my feelings and realize that I was not alone.  It was in literature that writers took chances to speak about issues that society pushed under the table.  The sincere messages within the novels I read began to illuminate my world, which had become a sea of darkness, fragility and despair.  Sometimes the novels and short stories that I had to read would make me cry and shiver.  Sometimes I felt such rage against my teacher for making us read about hangings and self harm in “The Scarlet Letter” following Marshall’s funeral. In the end, however, I found grace in the reality of words and situations that not only affected me, but so many before me and presently around the world. I began to respect the authors’ whose novels I read, for pouring out there most intimate feelings in order to unify groups of people globally.  In class, the discussions and issues that arose gave me excellent insight into the situations, perspectives, and feelings of others. I realized from this moment on that writing was the way for me to show the world the truths that I discovered during such a fragile time of my life.  I learned many lessons about death, relationships, myself, faith, love, betrayal, fragility, and other serious issues during this time.  Basically, I learned a lot more about life at 16 than most 25 year olds understand.  That is not to say that I carry some answer or some secret to life, but it is to say that I have a whole lot of truth—a whole lot of feeling, emotion and wisdom deep within.  I see the world through a shade of light that others may not understand, and I feel driven to share as much as I can with the world. My goal is to some day illuminate the truths within others—true feelings that others may not even realize the carry deep within.

My previous story is about the event, which aroused within me the passion and dream to become a writer.  However, there are a variety of reasons why I find writing an important and valuable frontier for me to explore, so here is my short list:

I write…

• To share the truths that I feel inside of me
• To bring to life feelings and situations that we are told to hide
• To explore life, spirituality, faith, love, humanity and society
• Because stories bring people together—create unity
• To give reason to the events that have happened in my life
• To show others that they are not alone
• To help others discover, learn and deal with situations, just as authors’ have helped me by means of their novels and short stories.
• Because it is an outlet for my vivid imagination
• To help people get in touch with their own emotions
• Because I am an observer, intuitive and tend to understand others in a very deep way. I believe that I can use this to help me reach out to a variety of people through my writing.
• Because I think too much and writing gives me an outlet to release some of my thoughts and give them some type of structure and purpose.
• Because writing feeds my soul.

I’m Back

School has started once again.  I took some time off of twitter, blogs, and even quite a bit.  But I am ready to get back in the swing of things, which includes keeping up my blog!  I am going to plan on blogging once a week.  I have lots and lots of reading and writing already cut out for me this semester, so I don’t want to set up the goal to high and fail.  I think once a week should be do-able!  Hope you enjoy some of my thoughts. and let me know if I slack off!!

-peace and love!

Kate Moenning and the L Word.

Okay so lately when I think of love, Kate Moenning instantly comes to mind.

That girl is insanely amazing, and I don’t even know exactly what it is about her that makes me love her so much.  She has this presence that totally speaks for itself, so she doesn’t even have to use many words. However, when she does talk, her voice is so hot that I don’t want her to stop.  It’s something about the clothes, and the edgy hair cut.  It’s something about her physical fragility contrasted with a strong personality and that wide smile that makes her eyes light up, and sets the hearts of The L Word viewers on fire. And she is a real and true friend.  Not only does she know how to turn it on, but she can instantly and naturally calm people when they need it the most because she puts herself on a level where she can understand others, rather than look down on them. Now I know that I am not the first to note Kate Moenning’s swagger, but I couldn’t resist but write on the subject of just how awesome she is.

Her part of Shane on the L Word completely merged with Kate Moenning’s existence, which had once been its own, unique and separate being.  I am sure that this gets extremely annoying for Kate, but come on, who can’t look at her and remember all the endless nights they have laid in bed getting off as Shane worked her magic, winning over the hearts of so many beautiful ladies.

Now I am not into the whole player thing, so it is not that trait of Shane’s that entices me, rather it is her ability to comfort, understand, and not judge.  Yes, she gets caught up in drama, but it is only because she is so true to herself and follows her natural instincts like a wild animal–i freaking love that. She is not fake, you know who she is; Shane is the ultimate example of “what you see is what you get,” and it is this trait that I admire most.

As far as Kate’s role in the L word, I think I am one of the very few people that always wanted to see Shane and Jenny together.  However, I really wish that Carmen had come back into the picture =\ Those two were so in love!  Now, about the whole Molly thing??? Sorry but I totally didn’t get that! However, the relationship and chemistry aside, I did absolutely love Molly’s reaction when Shane “flirted” with another girl at the bar in an attempt to break it off with Molly (because of Molly’s mother’s threats.)

Let’s recap:

Molly, “So what do girls do now, throw their drink in your face?”

Shane, “Yah, some do.”

Molly, “Well I’m not going to do that.  You don’t deserve that, you deserve compassion.”

[Then Molly basically tells Shane that she is not going to try and change her, that's something Shane needs to do for herself.  She tells Shane good luck figuring her shit out, and that maybe she'll still be around when she finally does.]

In those lines, Molly  proves that she gets Shane more than any other girl that Shane was ever with in the L Word.  Molly is not trying to shape Shane into the kind of girl she needs.  She is not trying to pretend that Shane is something she is not.  She completely understands Shane’s personality and recognizes that Shane, like us all, is a human with flaws– a human who’s sometimes unfortunate experiences have shaped her.  Molly reminds Shane, however, that those unfortunate moments, although they are a part of her, do not have to permanently set her fate, but that shaping that fate is something that Shane has to do on her own. The viewer is reminded that once again it proves true that “you can not truly love another until you love yourself.” Even people who have experienced terrible circumstances and have acted in immoral ways deserve compassion.  And compassion, in my book, is what it is all about. <3

So without further ado, I love Kate Moenning, her character on the L Word intrigues me, and although I was not a Molly fan, I think she shared a lot of important reminders for Shane, as well as for the viewers. Molly was a glimpse of hope, which was often a rare occurrence in the L Word given its drama and often “taboo” and outlandish actions and events.

So when all of you think of love on this beautiful morning, no matter who comes to mind, remember to show compassion to that person and to all people. We all deserve compassion and we all deserve a fair chance to shape our future for the better. <3 PEACE.HOPE.LOVE.

Social Conformity

What are the things that we have learned to do in order to get noticed, and in return find love?

 

For weeks on end I was stressing myself out because I realized that my eyebrows were out of control, I needed to get a manicure, I hadn’t shaved and my roots were coming in.  Of course all of this stress made me break out, which created more stress because blemishes are probably one of the LARGEST stress inducers for me.

I was trying to find time, I kept telling myself I would resolve all of this, btu things just kept getting in the way. 

Well now I have accomplished it (well, to be honest, I have accomplished all but shaving my legs), and I have to wonder, why do we do this?  Are we just trying to live up to standards that society has set for us to be beautiful?  Do we truly think that no one is going to fall in love with us if our roots are showing or our nails are chipped?  Can we love ourselves fully if we do not live up to society’s standards of “perfection?” 

I think that everyone has his or her own answer to the question.  I don’t think that this is an issue that is black and white, right or wrong, one or the other.  As young women and men we are obviously going to be shaped by the standards of society and what is “normal.”  It’s inevitable not to be shaped in someway by these thoughts of conformity.  What we can control, however, is the realization that these thoughts are just that–they are what society choses them to be.

I live in America- a society who likes their women to be dolled up and pampered.  But I also have learned that I like to pamper myself every once in a while for me, because it makes me feel good– and that’s okay.  The important part for me is that I am also okay with letting things go sometimes and realizing that I may have to wait a few days, or even a week to get those nails shaped up!

Everything in life is about balance– finding the middle path.  To not let yourseld go completely to the point where you don’t value your worth enough to take care of your body, yet to not be so concerned with your appearance that you freak out because you missed your weekly eyebrow wax appointment.  We all have little things that we need to work on, and maybe one of those things falls into this category for you.  If not, congrats!  Either way this is just an observation and something that I think is good to be aware of.

 

Ultimately, love your body, love yourself & love others for who they really are. Pamper yourself and take care of yourself because you love yourself and not because you don’t think abyone will love you if you don’t. You are only as beautiful as you feel when you are stripped of excess–natural and exposed.

live naturally, live freely, live purely, and love fully.

Peace out <3

God’s Love

Gratitude

Why was I saved?  God has given me a beautiful gift.  Yes, I may have gone through hell, but it was in those deepest and darkest moments that I learned so much about myself, others, faith, life, and love.  I gained so much from those moments and yet I have succumbed to this life where I spend almost every moment complaining about the trivial day-to-day tasks, pains, and emotions.  How could I so easily forget that each day I am given is such a gift?  He didn’t need to give me the strength to rise back up, but I looked to Him for strength when I hadn’t any left, and strength He granted me.  And is this how I repay Him—threatening to wrap up my life and burn it to pieces?

I have so much love in my heart, so many emotions, and so much creativity bursting at the seems. But I struggle with the motions.  So Lord I am looking toward you to help me move.  Move me down your path and guide me toward your light.  Lately I have chosen to live in the darkness, and I still do not know why.  But you have given me the beautiful gift of life.  You gave me the gift of knowledge and insight.  Through you I have come to realizations that many do not come to in a single lifetime.

Help me to live each day consciously and in the present moment. Help me to be thankful for the shell you have blessed me with—the shell that veils my soul, for I am not nearly as grateful for it as I should be.  I have been shaped by you, and for that I love all of me—my assets, my faults; my strengths, and my weaknesses—for I love You and it is You who has shaped me.

Although I will never be certain why it was me you chose to save or why it was others that entered your Kingdom before I, I am choosing to believe that I am still here because you have more work for me to accomplish.   So Lord, let me be your hands and feet, let me be an anchor for those who need a strong hold, let me be the courage when others find themselves in despair.  I can withhold this life and the tides that flow in and out of my heavy soul, for You have shone me the light, and with your light in sight, I can never lose my way.

 

Thank you for Loving me and giving me life. Thank you for saving me.

Ellen on Oprah

So I am in love with Ellen Degeneres and I am a HUGE fan of the Oprah Show, so as you can imagine, when I found out that Ellen was going to be on Oprah, I was totally stoked! The episode was so wonderful & I loved the fact that it was all about Ellen– there were no other guest stars.  From beginning to end I was intrigued; the show never lost my attention.  I laughed, I was joyful, and I even got a little teary at times.  Overall, I felt so joyous to be watching and listening to Ellen as she worked her charm, made us laugh, and even got quite sentimental and serious in a very touching way.  I felt it a privilege to see Ellen and Portia’s first interview together as a married couple and to be able to watch their behind the scenes wedding tape.  The wedding footage and the music did bring tears to my eyes–joyous tears, tears shed for courageous women who were willing to put it all out on the line to follow their hearts.

To my dismay, my dear mother who I love and respect deeply, walked in as the show was ending.  She felt the need, as always, to throw in her own comments on the subject of “gayness,” in her words.  She stated how much she loves Ellen and said, “Now that is a woman who did not have a choice to be gay.”  Then she looked at Portia, Ellen’s wife who sat beside Ellen on TV, “Now she, she made a choice, and I think that is really sad.”  She went on to talk about how sad it is that my generation of girls looks at “gayness” with such a cavalier attitude, and how we can just say, “Hm, do I want to go out with my boyfriend tonight or am I more in the mood to snuggle with my best girlfriend and maybe make out.”

I think that in my mom’s stream of consciousness she touched upon a couple different things:

First of all, I do not think that it is any one else’s place to decide who made a “choice” and who didn’t make a choice to be gay.  Sexuality is completely a personal matter, and only the person themself can know what feels true to their own heart.

Secondly, no one, gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, etc. makes a choice as to who they fall in love with.  Love is just love, and more often of not it hits you out of no where at times when and in places where it is least expected.

Thirdly, (and this one really bothers me), my mom does not know ellen, nor does she know portia.  What is it that has made her so firmly believe that Ellen is truly gay, but Portia is just choosing to be gay?  I think it is so common these days for our parents generation as well as most males to think of lesbians exclusively as females who have short hair cuts, a sturdy gate, manly build and voice, and who play sports and drink beer. But, um, news flash: straight women come in all shapes, sizes, hair colors, builds, voices and interests…. and lesbians do too! I think that this misconception has something to do with the fact that lesbians who do have this boyish identity find it tougher to keep their sexual identity a secret, for they are most likely the ones who had gotten picked on as a child and made fun of for their tom-boyish features.  On the other hand, women who are very feminine and girlish are not “pointed-out” as different.  As a result, they may never feel the need to question their own sexuality or  they may find it easier to just slide by and fit in with the masses, which can feel much safer yet less satisfying and more lonely in the long run.

Fourthly, although I can agree on the fact that being gay, lesbian and bisexual has without a doubt become more popular these days, and experimenting is looked upon with a much more welcoming eye and judgement, I for one would rather live in a world where people are not afraid to explore their sexuality than live in one where people have to live in fear and feel threatened because their true colors are not accepted in the public light.

Whether I am straight, transgender, bi, or a lesbian, I feel proud to be a person who can sit and watch the wedding video of two women and find it one of the most beautiful things in the world.  Because just like any other true and respectful expression of love, I am ready to embrace it with open arms.

So to Ellen and Portia, to Oprah for welcoming them to her show, and to all of those other courageous men and women who have chosen to be true to their heart… here is to loving who you love, no matter what race, religion, ethnicity, culture, or sexual orientation you are.

Does Love Conquer?

Love can be mischevious & misleading

it can leave you crying and bleeding

sometimes it leaves you shaking and praying

for something more sustaining

something that can make you feel whole and worthy .

Although I am not so sure whether it is unfortunate or not, I do believe that love does not always conquer.  Some loves are fatal, some are tragic, and some loves make living a million times better!  Sometimes love can give a person reason and passion, yet be a disease at the same time, like a cancer that spreads through the body without an inkling that something is wrong until one day you look in the mirror and realize that you have wasted away to nothing.

Despite all of this, I believe in a type of love that can be the most fulfilling and healthy thing in the world.  This love can exist in a multitude of ways.  For instance, I share this love with my mother and father, my sister, who is my best friend and others who have hung in there with me through thick and thin.  And despite the tumultuous journeys that love has taken me on in the past, I still believe that there is that special person who i will one day unite with in a holistic and all-conquering love– the kind of love that we all dream of.

Even in the most precious and healthy of loves on this univerese, however, there are always going to be things that will go wrong.  There will be tough times and sad times; things will get stressed and crazy.  But in the end, it is knowing that you have that love to share with another that can get you through the rough patches.  Love calls on us all to keep moving forward–it calls us to prevail.  And above all else, God’s love is shining so brightly, even in the darkest of nights.

If we open our hearts and our minds, we will realize that there is never a moment when we are not filled with the burning sensation of the most powerful love deep within. <3